A lot of people's lives seem to be changing. Maybe it's a new year thing or a spring thing.

Michael actually called me back. I was definatly suprised. At first I just asked if he still lived at the same place so I could just write him because I didn't think I could talk to him over the phone. I pretty much knew that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye, and neither did he. So we ended up talking for 4 hours. Heart rate and perspiration were excellerated, as he has always had that effect on me. (I craved a cigarette so f-ing bad)
Although I did get many answers to my questions. I never really got the answers I wanted. But I know he did his best to dig deep and give me the truth. All I really wanted was an apology. I believe that if you wrong someone or hurt their feelings, the first thing you do is apologize WHETHER OR NOT you think it was intentional. and THEN, you explain yourself. It seems I got a lot of "i'm defending my actions because I don't want to apologize" I dunno, maybe that wasn't the case in his eyes.
For years I've tried to decide why I have these feelings for him. I love him, hate him, miss him, think he's stupid think he's a genius, want to be around him, want lots of distance from him. In the past I did want to be sexual with him. Those feelings eventually went away in time. I finally accepted that he really WAS gay. Although he and I have had a very intimate relationship as far as sleeping in the same bed, undressing in front of each other, kissing on the lips, being very affectionate, crying on each others shoulders, going through hell and back, we do seem to have a very romantic relationship - just without the sex. I am in love with him. In the most unconventional untraditional way.
I did hear many things I wanted to hear while on the phone with him. He wrote me many letters, but never finished them or mailed them. He separated all my photos from the others because it was too painful for him to have to explain to people who I was. He lit a candle for me on my birthday. After hearing all these things througout the hours of talking, I asked him over and over the question I've needed an answer to for a year and half...."Why haven't you called me, why didn't you mail the letters?" And again all I got was "I thought you washed your hands clean of me....I didn't want to feel like I was begging....I figured you'd get ahold of me when you were ready or when you needed me." Of course I had lots of fun arguing this with him. I made sure I let him know how selfish those answers were. Friendship is a give and take 50/50 kind of thing. I had no more to give, because I got nothing back. A relationship cannot exist without communication. And I never felt an effort from him. So ya I did wash my hands clean. His former drug use was a big part of that also, which he says is not a problem anymore.
I just hope after explaining myself and my needs and my desires of him that he will follow through. I will not call him. I will not write to him. I will have to treat this like a reward type situation. He calls me, I call him or I send him pictures. If I feel the effort I will give it in return. I can't do all the work. Comparing it to a marriage is a perfect example. It's the same thing. I know I could never ask for a "normal" friendship, just not a painful one.

The Silent Treatment

for michael

after one year and a half

i had a moment of weakness

there should be a new word for 'weakness'

sadness, neglect, and anger overwhelmes me

"if there's a shadow of a doubt, don't do it

the slightest stupor of thought...don't do it"

a voice tells me

i don't listen

i open the book

turn to the P's

my nerves begin to tug

i reach for the phone

look at the numbers

my hands shake

put it down

try to think clearly

can't...not a chance

cry instead

only 11 numbers to dial

only 11 buttons to push

one and a half years

might as well be one and a half days

so many things to say

although silence is golden

but gold can turn if neglected

if left outside to the elements

the silent treatment

like ice

will it break?

will it melt?

crying, shaking

it rings, the phone is fucking ringing

i've lost all control

my knees are giving way

my whole body shaking, trembling

nausea

heartbreak

adrenaline

voicemail

small miracles

..and more silence

The House of the Spirits

I saw the description of this movie on Showtime and decided I'd DVR it (record) and watch it later. My reasoning for this was merely because of the cast list:

Meryl Streep

Glenn Close

Jeremy Irons

Winona Ryder

Antonio Banderas

Vanessa Redgrave

I figured "Hey, this looks like a good movie, but I wonder why I've never even heard of it". So I looked it up on imdb.com and learned that it came out in 1993. In '93 I was 13 yrs old and in the 8th grade. I was too busy thinking about boys, sleepovers with friends and was far from being interested in time period movies. Plus, it's rated R and my mom never wouldv'e let me see it.

I thourougly enjoyed this movie. All 2 1/2 hrs of it. Meryl Streep never ceases to amaze. She doesn't just play a character, she becomes them..almost to a spooky level. She literally turns on the tears like a switch. Jeremy is always the best at playing the villian. Glenn has a such a strong power about her. I loved the relationship between Meryl's and Glenn's characters. Truly sweet and heartbreaking.

The film is actually more centered around the bad things Jeremy's character does and how it affects everyone. Then towards the end he realizes he must rectify what he's done in order be at peace with himself. Like I always say "Abusive men grow soft in their old age." The termoil that everyone experiences in this movie makes me appreciate the luxury of my life, but then again, I'm jealous. This is a must see.

...and now for my book review...

The Lovely Bones

This book was suggested to me by my friend Rachel. I was telling her how the books I've been reading haven't been making me think or feel anything like I'd want a book to do. So she told me to read this one.

The story is about a 14 yr old girl who is raped and murdered by a neighbor. It is told from her perspective as she sits in her heaven and watches her family and friends deal with her death. After her death, she was granted the opportunity to experience some things she never got to on Earth. I found a similar element in this book as I found in watching the movie "What Dreams May Come". That is...the living cannot move on until the dead has let them go. and vice versa.

Well, I must thank Rachel in this because so far in my book reading (and i havent read many), I read this one the fastest. I just had to find out what was on the next page until I was done. The author, Alice Sebold, is definitely fearless in her storytelling. She kept on delivering all these series of events and thoughts of the characters that kept me wanting more. I find that books written by women tend to capture the beauty in things much more accurately. Or maybe I just relate to their description of it more easily...for obvious reasons.

Tori Amos

The

BEEKEEPER

So here is my review of her new creation. This 19 song CD has the feel of a little 'Pele' and 'Scarlet' mixed together. It took me about 10 listen throughs of this cd for it to really grow on me, sink in and develop feelings about it. I'll admit, the first time around I felt like I was waiting......waiting for something to really grasp me emotionally enough for me to say "i fucking love this song" when I heard it the first time around. Unfortunatly, this did not happen. Not like it did when I first heard "Little Earthquakes" or "From the Choir Girl Hotel". All her other albums I kindof pick my favorites and listen to those songs only.

The reason why I say its a little like 'pele' and 'scarlet' is because those albums appeared very dry to me. I personally like Tori's more colorful music with deep melodies and ,honestly, lyrics that make sense to me. This brings up another issue with her music. It's so so hard to figure out what Tori is saying most of the time, literally. I just assume she's saying one word until I read the lyrics and discover that's not the word she used at all. Therefore changing it completely. She also draws words out, almost giving them more syllables than they really have.

Mostly, this album is a little quiet and gentle. There's no screaming and there's no "fuck" here and there. If there is a love ballad on this album I can't spot it at all. Those are always my favorite...like "putting the damage on", "northern lad", "china", "1000 oceans", "gold dust" , etc. Lets face it I'm a romantic girl and songs that even bring the slightest hint of tears tend to find a place in me and stay there.

So, overall this is an excellent album. Not one of my favorites but some songs have definatly grown on me, like these....the ones in bold italics are on the top of my list....the remaining 5(not listed) I just can't get into.

Parasol

Sweet the Sting

The Power of Orange Knickers

Jamaica Inn

Sleeps with Butterflies

Mother Revolution

Ribbons Undone

Cars and Guitars

Ireland

The Beekeeper

Martha's Foolish Ginger

Goodbye Pisces

Mary's of the Sea (only the slow part)

Toast (i'm assuming this is the love song)

We just finished watching the entire first season of Deadwood, a new series on HBO. This show is just fucking awesome. I would say one of the top 3 reasons why I love it so much is the dialogue. Whoever writes the script is just a friggin genius. It's like Shakespeare of the Old West. Each character is so strong that I hope and pray that none of them will get killed. The 2nd season starts on Sunday. We are so exstatic. I don't know what it is about HBO that keeps coming up with these perfect shows.