fire and water

these disappointments are like the flames of a fire
a warmth i thrived on for so long has drowned out from an unknown water source
only to discover that the flames were just an illusion

the absence of the flames is not what hurts
only the denial that they ever existed

Some of the most contemplative moments I have is when I'm driving in my car. But since I am driving, I can't exactly write them down. Certain words I hear in a song really catch my attention and I wish I could write those down as well. Stopping the car time and time again would be too easy and too much of a hassle.

What I need is one of those hand held voice recorders, ya know, with the little tapes. What would I do with all these words, you may be asking yourself. Uhhh I dunno, maybe make a book of favorite quotes or sudden epiphanies. Did I spell that right? Maybe it has something to do with being in transit? Moving fast through the world and through all the energies, or having so many other people flying past you. Do you think we can pick up other peoples stuff that way?

hhummmmm.......

the red petals

still on my mind

they may not need me

but i need them

how so childish i feel

when i can't touch or see them

the red, the red, the red

the redness of their essense

my heart drips red

only darkening their color

if only these red petals needed me

i could bloom...with her help

Flaming June

hot metals and red petals

seeping through oxygenated blues

the boy is your muse

and I am your fuse

which ones are we allowed to dream of-our suns or our moons?

How did we become so barred from our truths?

hot red sun

cold blue moon

I will be your Flaming June

diamond chimneys and coffee

sitting and spitting

feuling the fire

building the future

even after we tire

killing issues with truth

sometimes demanding

not always understanding

but with every smoke filled lung

we listen without landing

for rachel, shayna and shelley

TUNNELS

my body

my heart

my mind

my soul

what is in them?

so many things want to come out.

i've carried these chains since BIRTH

a barrier of protection

from myself

from me hurting others

Is this just who I am?

or is it just the same challenges i've become so familiar with?

she affects me

he affects me

it affects me

they affect me

I affect me

thoughts, oh these thoughts.

these fantasies.

i don't need an escape or a bandaid.

I need a way through.

a tunnel

a tunnel through the grim, bile and muck.

through the gold, glitter and shimmer.

a tunnel through what I desire, fear, hate, crave, love, have and don't have.

No, not a way out.

A way across.

The experience is not to be avoided.

It is my path of knowledge and wisdom...

but not without the pain or regret.

If only the people I fear could accept and understand me..

and let me go

Life is what happens, while making other plans.

-John Lennon

Ladies in Waiting

I purged my soul for you

For reasons unknown

I purged my soul for you

but I still feel alone

What was the point?

What purpose did it serve?

To tell you everything

wondering how I got the nerve

You own a piece of me

a piece you claimed years ago

I never got it back

You failed to let me know

All I want is freedom

Freedom to feel this way

To not feel lonely

while I wait for you to say

....anything

My Chemical Romance.

I have found a new band to obsess over.

Don't get me wrong, I've always been a big Nine Inch Nails fan. I had about 50 pictures of Trent Reznor up on my wall when I was an agnstfull teen, i've seen him twice in concert and they even used to call me "Carrie Reznor" at school. I got a log of laughs when I told people I was marrying a guy named "Trent".

So his new album "with teeth". Sounds good. He's a great musician. But it sounds like he used all the same lyrics and verbage he's always used and just moved them around. Some of the sounds in each song sound like other songs. There just wasn't a song on the album that felt like a hit. It was still all "poor me, i'm so depressed, the world sucks". Is he running out of ideas?

Ok so after all these years and after a week of KNOWING what he was up to but NOT KNOWING how to get ahold of him..I finally did. It sure did take for-freaking-ever. I was IMing a friend from myspace (who lives in Tulsa) and I asked him if he knew Gary or the guys from Creature of Unusual Size. He says "ya i just talked to one of them not to long ago". So I say "OH MY GOSH CAN I HAVE THE NUMBER!" I had to use caps of course to seem like I was yelling. Cuz no one can hear you on an IM. (just in case you didn't know that). So I call the number. Voicemail. I get a call back and few minutes later. Some girls says she's returning a call from this number.
"oh ya, I was looking for Gary actually"
"Oh ok, he's not with us right now but I'll give you the number to where he's at"
"oh my gosh thank you so much"

So I call the number. This is the number to Gary's stepdad's produce farm.
"Conrad Farms, may I help you" (a woman)
"Yes I'm looking for Gary"
"oh honey Gary is looking for himself...here he is hang on"

So he answers the phone and we both freak out and talk for about 2 hours. And of course we're laughing our asses off the whole time reminising about everything. I know this won't turn into something shitty and meaningless like with Michael. I'm happy now.

A lot of people's lives seem to be changing. Maybe it's a new year thing or a spring thing.

Michael actually called me back. I was definatly suprised. At first I just asked if he still lived at the same place so I could just write him because I didn't think I could talk to him over the phone. I pretty much knew that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye, and neither did he. So we ended up talking for 4 hours. Heart rate and perspiration were excellerated, as he has always had that effect on me. (I craved a cigarette so f-ing bad)
Although I did get many answers to my questions. I never really got the answers I wanted. But I know he did his best to dig deep and give me the truth. All I really wanted was an apology. I believe that if you wrong someone or hurt their feelings, the first thing you do is apologize WHETHER OR NOT you think it was intentional. and THEN, you explain yourself. It seems I got a lot of "i'm defending my actions because I don't want to apologize" I dunno, maybe that wasn't the case in his eyes.
For years I've tried to decide why I have these feelings for him. I love him, hate him, miss him, think he's stupid think he's a genius, want to be around him, want lots of distance from him. In the past I did want to be sexual with him. Those feelings eventually went away in time. I finally accepted that he really WAS gay. Although he and I have had a very intimate relationship as far as sleeping in the same bed, undressing in front of each other, kissing on the lips, being very affectionate, crying on each others shoulders, going through hell and back, we do seem to have a very romantic relationship - just without the sex. I am in love with him. In the most unconventional untraditional way.
I did hear many things I wanted to hear while on the phone with him. He wrote me many letters, but never finished them or mailed them. He separated all my photos from the others because it was too painful for him to have to explain to people who I was. He lit a candle for me on my birthday. After hearing all these things througout the hours of talking, I asked him over and over the question I've needed an answer to for a year and half...."Why haven't you called me, why didn't you mail the letters?" And again all I got was "I thought you washed your hands clean of me....I didn't want to feel like I was begging....I figured you'd get ahold of me when you were ready or when you needed me." Of course I had lots of fun arguing this with him. I made sure I let him know how selfish those answers were. Friendship is a give and take 50/50 kind of thing. I had no more to give, because I got nothing back. A relationship cannot exist without communication. And I never felt an effort from him. So ya I did wash my hands clean. His former drug use was a big part of that also, which he says is not a problem anymore.
I just hope after explaining myself and my needs and my desires of him that he will follow through. I will not call him. I will not write to him. I will have to treat this like a reward type situation. He calls me, I call him or I send him pictures. If I feel the effort I will give it in return. I can't do all the work. Comparing it to a marriage is a perfect example. It's the same thing. I know I could never ask for a "normal" friendship, just not a painful one.

The Silent Treatment

for michael

after one year and a half

i had a moment of weakness

there should be a new word for 'weakness'

sadness, neglect, and anger overwhelmes me

"if there's a shadow of a doubt, don't do it

the slightest stupor of thought...don't do it"

a voice tells me

i don't listen

i open the book

turn to the P's

my nerves begin to tug

i reach for the phone

look at the numbers

my hands shake

put it down

try to think clearly

can't...not a chance

cry instead

only 11 numbers to dial

only 11 buttons to push

one and a half years

might as well be one and a half days

so many things to say

although silence is golden

but gold can turn if neglected

if left outside to the elements

the silent treatment

like ice

will it break?

will it melt?

crying, shaking

it rings, the phone is fucking ringing

i've lost all control

my knees are giving way

my whole body shaking, trembling

nausea

heartbreak

adrenaline

voicemail

small miracles

..and more silence

The House of the Spirits

I saw the description of this movie on Showtime and decided I'd DVR it (record) and watch it later. My reasoning for this was merely because of the cast list:

Meryl Streep

Glenn Close

Jeremy Irons

Winona Ryder

Antonio Banderas

Vanessa Redgrave

I figured "Hey, this looks like a good movie, but I wonder why I've never even heard of it". So I looked it up on imdb.com and learned that it came out in 1993. In '93 I was 13 yrs old and in the 8th grade. I was too busy thinking about boys, sleepovers with friends and was far from being interested in time period movies. Plus, it's rated R and my mom never wouldv'e let me see it.

I thourougly enjoyed this movie. All 2 1/2 hrs of it. Meryl Streep never ceases to amaze. She doesn't just play a character, she becomes them..almost to a spooky level. She literally turns on the tears like a switch. Jeremy is always the best at playing the villian. Glenn has a such a strong power about her. I loved the relationship between Meryl's and Glenn's characters. Truly sweet and heartbreaking.

The film is actually more centered around the bad things Jeremy's character does and how it affects everyone. Then towards the end he realizes he must rectify what he's done in order be at peace with himself. Like I always say "Abusive men grow soft in their old age." The termoil that everyone experiences in this movie makes me appreciate the luxury of my life, but then again, I'm jealous. This is a must see.

...and now for my book review...

The Lovely Bones

This book was suggested to me by my friend Rachel. I was telling her how the books I've been reading haven't been making me think or feel anything like I'd want a book to do. So she told me to read this one.

The story is about a 14 yr old girl who is raped and murdered by a neighbor. It is told from her perspective as she sits in her heaven and watches her family and friends deal with her death. After her death, she was granted the opportunity to experience some things she never got to on Earth. I found a similar element in this book as I found in watching the movie "What Dreams May Come". That is...the living cannot move on until the dead has let them go. and vice versa.

Well, I must thank Rachel in this because so far in my book reading (and i havent read many), I read this one the fastest. I just had to find out what was on the next page until I was done. The author, Alice Sebold, is definitely fearless in her storytelling. She kept on delivering all these series of events and thoughts of the characters that kept me wanting more. I find that books written by women tend to capture the beauty in things much more accurately. Or maybe I just relate to their description of it more easily...for obvious reasons.

Tori Amos

The

BEEKEEPER

So here is my review of her new creation. This 19 song CD has the feel of a little 'Pele' and 'Scarlet' mixed together. It took me about 10 listen throughs of this cd for it to really grow on me, sink in and develop feelings about it. I'll admit, the first time around I felt like I was waiting......waiting for something to really grasp me emotionally enough for me to say "i fucking love this song" when I heard it the first time around. Unfortunatly, this did not happen. Not like it did when I first heard "Little Earthquakes" or "From the Choir Girl Hotel". All her other albums I kindof pick my favorites and listen to those songs only.

The reason why I say its a little like 'pele' and 'scarlet' is because those albums appeared very dry to me. I personally like Tori's more colorful music with deep melodies and ,honestly, lyrics that make sense to me. This brings up another issue with her music. It's so so hard to figure out what Tori is saying most of the time, literally. I just assume she's saying one word until I read the lyrics and discover that's not the word she used at all. Therefore changing it completely. She also draws words out, almost giving them more syllables than they really have.

Mostly, this album is a little quiet and gentle. There's no screaming and there's no "fuck" here and there. If there is a love ballad on this album I can't spot it at all. Those are always my favorite...like "putting the damage on", "northern lad", "china", "1000 oceans", "gold dust" , etc. Lets face it I'm a romantic girl and songs that even bring the slightest hint of tears tend to find a place in me and stay there.

So, overall this is an excellent album. Not one of my favorites but some songs have definatly grown on me, like these....the ones in bold italics are on the top of my list....the remaining 5(not listed) I just can't get into.

Parasol

Sweet the Sting

The Power of Orange Knickers

Jamaica Inn

Sleeps with Butterflies

Mother Revolution

Ribbons Undone

Cars and Guitars

Ireland

The Beekeeper

Martha's Foolish Ginger

Goodbye Pisces

Mary's of the Sea (only the slow part)

Toast (i'm assuming this is the love song)

We just finished watching the entire first season of Deadwood, a new series on HBO. This show is just fucking awesome. I would say one of the top 3 reasons why I love it so much is the dialogue. Whoever writes the script is just a friggin genius. It's like Shakespeare of the Old West. Each character is so strong that I hope and pray that none of them will get killed. The 2nd season starts on Sunday. We are so exstatic. I don't know what it is about HBO that keeps coming up with these perfect shows.

i read all these other people's blogs and entries in communities and how they just pour out their souls and lay everything down on the keyboard onto the web and think.."how do these people do this?" Some of these things these people write are so personal and intimate and revealing of how this person truly is inside and how they truly feel. I just don't see how I could ever dish shit out like that. Even if I never have to face the people that read it, even if they are just e-friends that I will never talk to on the phone or meet, even if they are just strangers stumbling upon blog after blog...I just cannot bring myself to post on the web my deepest feelings, fears, or even opinions in some cases. It's just too private. I find myself rolling my eyes at these people wanting to tell them to "shut the hell up and just go kill yourself if you won't write something interesting or thought provoking".

In the end, if I did dish shit out it's just me sitting on my non-skinny ass complaining about shit instead of doing anything about it or doing something more useful.

this person's blog and the person..are both very dear to my heart

http://redmaya.blogspot.com/

Buying my new Tempur-Pedic bed was the best 2 Grand I've EVER spent!

About 10 days ago, my husband and I realized that we could no longer sleep on our bed of 6 yrs. We've worn the thing out. It felt like sleeping in a depression. It was just impossible to get comfortable and everytime we woke up, it was as if we'd never slept at all. Not to mention the cricks in the neck, shoulders, and low back..which led to headaches and bad attitudes in the morning hours.

So knowing that buying a tempur-pedic would set us back, just a teeny weeny bit, we knew it would be worth every penny. So we bit the bullet.

They it takes a little while to get used to it. Which in my case, was very true. The first 5 days I had a hard time adjusting to the bed and seeing if I could really get in all my favorite sleeping positions comfortably. I woke up confused for those first 5 days. But now....I fall asleep and never wake up, until I'm forced to (kids). And I find that I hadn't even changed positions! I've slept in one position and never even needed to move! How freakin' awesome is that!

Now I don't even want to get OUT of bed, because it just feels so damn good. ok, i'm rambling now...

raising a 5 yr old girl and a 2 yr old girl would seem to be something i can relate to since I am a girl and had an older sister. My mom and dad raised us, and we are about the same yrs apart as my own girls. Whenever they cry, whine, complain, fight, get in trouble, I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine how I was at their age. I truely wish I could convey to them how silly and unimportant it is to fight over a piece of plastic, or how wrong it is to hit or push one another. "Just walk away from her" is what I seem to say some of the time. "leave her alone"..or "just play separately for a while". But apparently they would rather keep screaming until they have won. I mean, why shouldn't it be so easy for them to just play nicely. They do have dozens of toys between them. Why all the frustration?

Sitting at Starbucks last night for about 2 hours drinking chai and chantico, I was wired up listening to my friend Kelly update Judi and I on her old and new lesbian love life. We were the loudest people in the place. For a while I felt as if we were in a bar. That was the most fun I've had hangin' out since our graduation party in October.

The need for friendship is as unselfish as eating, eliminating, and sleeping.

Now that I have my new Honda Element(orange), I will need to buy more CD's. About 60% of all the music I own is on cassette, but unfortunately my Element does not have a tape player. Therefore, I will now have to buy the same music I own over again, just on CD this time. It's much better quality anyway.

I do have access to cassette players throughout the house, but I don't really listen to music at home. Those days of me hanging out in my room as a teenager, or living single by myself and listening to tapes are long gone. Home life with a husband, 2 kids, a very loud roommate, 3 TV's, a laptop (which I use several times daily), and not to mention, things to clean and food to prepare..are way too many things on the list for music to ever be listened to. It's rare occasion where all of us decide to throw a CD on and turn the TV off.

So the point I'm getting at, I only get to listen to my music when driving in my car. My old car had no CD player and the tape player was broken. So I was stuck with listening to the radio for 3 years. I almost developed carpel tunnel from changing stations just trying to find something decent to listen to.

My first tape-to-cd conversion will be Tori's "Little Earthquakes" and "the choir girl hotel". Probably my top two favorite.

I am merely one minute into listening to Tori's new single "Sleeps with Butterflies" from her upcoming album The Beekeeper..and I'm already in love. This has such a new and different sound..as she always seems to accomplish, not just with every album, but every song. Either she is a direct descendant of one of Homer's Sirens or was merely an angel from the choir of heaven. She certainly has musical talent seeping out of her as if it just happens without effort.

Searching through the net, I found lots of little snipets of songs she's covered in concert, and many others...including stuff from Y Can't Tori Read. Quite cool, I must say.

My roomate, Jerry, got me Napolean Dynamite for Christmas. We watched it the other night. It was my 2nd time but Jerry or Lucio had never seen it. They loved it. I must say it's gotta be the funniest movie of 2004. Not that many good comedies came out last year come to think of it. Napolean isn't funny because of clever dialogue or constant punchlines every 5 minutes...it's funny because of the way the people act, especially when they're serious. Kinda like in Being John Malkovich, another must see.

Friday, our roommate Jerry, asked my husband, Lucio, to draw some tattoos for him. So he did, and the very next day Jerry went and got it done. He's a Star Wars freak..as you can see. But then, as he came home and began showing them off, the girls wanted some of their own. So Lucio got out the ink pen.

I've recently discovered that my previous use of the word "debation" at the end of this post, was indeed incorrect..but I shouldv'e just used the word "debatement" instead. As always, we learn something everyday.

For some reason, everytime the movie 'Laurel Canyon' is on...I have to watch it. It's just so good! It's got the right amount of everything in it. Great cast, great drama.

Earlier today, I overheard a good thought...

"whevever you have those moments where there is no tv, no radio, no one talking, no distractions whatsoever...nothing is forcing you to think about anything..its just you and your thoughts....What do you think about? Whatever your answer may be ..that is the trueness of your character and a window into your soul."

strangely enough, there were very few tears at the funeral. My only explanation was that this was well expected and everybody has been crying for the past few months. So I guess we all got it out of the way. Otherwise, the viewing, the service, the burial and the lunch all went really well. Now, the ultimate test will be what happens to the family now that she's gone.

I recently had a friend of mine wax me. Legs, armpits and a Brazilian. Yes, a Brazilian. Which means more than just the bikini line. Fortunately she's a professional and had all the right materials. Not that Walgreen crap. (FYI: never use that stuff) It was a little painful but she knows what she's doing so the pain was minimal (compared to the time I tried it myself with the Walgreen crap). All in all, it took about 2 1/2 hours, so there was plenty of time for us to tell both of our life stories. Ultimately, the hair has not grown back yet and that was 2 weeks before Christmas. I live getting wax.

Recently, an e-buddy of mine, expressed his desire to no longer participate in instant messaging. This coming from one who thrives on communication, conversation, debation. Ok so debation is not a word, but it sounded good. So I'm actually kinda bummed because I enjoyed our once in a blue moon IM's.

Wednesday, my husband's grandmother died. We've been expecting it since a week before Thanksgiving. We knew she would want to hold on for the holidays...and she did. She had major diabetes, her kidneys were pretty much useless and she was dealing with bad hypertension. She died around 8 oclock wed. morning. She wasn't sleeping really, just resting on her bed and then she just passed. We didn't make it there in time for us to see her before the funeral home took her. But, tomorrow is the funeral and boy, will it be a long day. I don't really plan on wearing make-up, since I know I'll just cry it off.

True, this is not my grandmother. But I've known the lady for about 6 yrs now. She was born in Mexico, gave birth to 11 children, but only 10 of them lived. She grew up poor, married at 16, had an abusive relationship with the father of her children until she divorced in the 80's. Had a commom law husband of about 20 years until he passed away, very unexpectantly, a few years ago. She buried her mother, 98, a few years ago, her brothers and a daughter in law. She was the cutest little mexican lady who always liked to hit people with her cane..but people waited on her hand and foot because she was the matriarch of the family. Decisions weren't made without her approval. She was 77.

So, tomorrow will be a tough day for everyone. I'm sure all 99 people will be crying. I just hope this family doesn't fall apart like my family did when my grandmother died. Who will we all gather around on Mother's Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas? It seems silly to only show up at family events for one person, but hey, Grandma would want us there..so we'd go. But it happens. People stop caring after the elders go.

The tsunami. Horrible, horrible tragedy, sad, sad natural disaster. The continual coverage is definatly important and necessary. But come on people, we live in Wisconsin! Is it really necessary to have minute by minute coverage on a few inches of snow?!! Yeah, it's snowing. It's Wisconsin. It snows every year. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Let's save the news time for other stuff.

kids, massage, husband, massage, house, massage,car, massage,roommate, massage,tv, church, massage, family, massage, friends, massage, bathroom, massage, eat, massage, clean, my life...hey look it's snowing outside.

My favorite new bands:
Keane
Velvet Revolver
The Killers
The Donnas.

My favorite shows:

Six Feet Under - one more season left.....:::cries:::
Sex and the City - just watched the last episode of the series last night..so sad its over
The Sopranos - 1 or 2 seasons left,if they can make up their minds
The L Word - lesbians are the best
Nip/Tuck - superficial? not at all..this show is awesome


Recent movies:

Resident Evil 2 - eeh, i was forced to watch it
Hero - i was so tired when the movie started and fell asleep but from the hour I saw it was most beautiful movie I've ever seen..as far as color and cinematography go
Van Helsing - c.r.a.p
King Arthur - i like the myths better
Series of Unfortunate Events - pretty good
Ext. version of LOTR: ROTK - very disappointed on the whole death of Sauraman
Open Water - why did I watch this? ..count your blessings


Recent books: ( i'm a slow reader)

HP and the Goblet of Fire - I cried during the last 50 pages
HP and the Order of the Phoenix - poor Harry...can't wait for the next one
My next book will be one I read almost 10 years ago..Stephen King's Eye of the Dragon


Now that I have graduated from massage school and still, very patiently, awaiting my letter to take the National test...I've been working at a salon doing massage therapy. I'm on call getting paid commission, so I only really have to be there when a massage is scheduled. Cell phones sure come in handy with this job.


Right now my job is just right for me. I drop the girls off at daycare and school, come home and clean or do whatever, run errands, go do some massages, spend time with hubby, etc. It's nice not being paid by the hour. But as I build my clientele (which is coming along nicely) the money I make pays for daycare. Daycare is good for Josefina. She needs it.

Andromeda, on the other hand, is in kindergarten. Speaking of german words, she is actually going to a german immersion school. She counts in german, asks to go to the bathroom in german, knows her colors in german and few other select words here and there. The immersion schools are some of the best in the Milwaukee Public School systems.

Well, that me as of now. later.