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Beaches Part II

she drew me in like the slow ebb and flow of the tide

i felt my lungs soon being able to breathe the water

after her cold waters flowed within my veins, her ocean came alive. colors, shapes, creatures all became vibrant and full of life.

I was enamored with her beauty, her mystery, her secrets, her love.

Although I could never hold her in my arms, i swam with her. She was all around me and I became her fiery mermaid.

until her sharks, jellyfish and sea serpents circled around me. nibbling and sucking the life and fire out of me.

They kept me there...floating..still..lifeless..drugged. an illusion of weightless content.....promises....lies.

i longed for freedom...for air...dry land and the sun.

In an instant, I willed myself with all the strength I could conjure. Up and out of her waters her tide slowly pushed me towards the shore with every movement. She was done with me. Spat out. Like an old, broken shell.

I threw myself down on the hot dry sand. Thankful. So happy and thankful. Never to be fooled again by her dark, cold depth.

I stood up and looked back. Only the sweet memories lingered on her glistening surface.

I am so longer her walking human victim.

I walk away to find my home. I am free.

These are a series of emails between me and my sister all within about 20 mins.
I don't know how she comes up with this stuff.

(note: there's like "mormon speak" in here. you may not get parts of it)

Ashley sent me some pictures that you'd get after you get off the roller coaster. Ya know, the ones that show you screaming with your face blown back?
I laughed and then replied back saying loud and laughingly "LOL, wow you guys are really stupid!!"

Ashley wrote back saying: that's what disney AND family is all about. if there's anything else you'd like me to teach you, just let me know...


(so i figured i'd play along)


Carrie: I wanna know about fatty foods and the truth behind them.

Ashley: well, there are these spirits that follow us around (you know, part of the 1/3 of hosts of heaven that went with lucifer). they go around and breath evil magical wonders onto foods and whisper in our ears that they will make us happy. their whisperings have that black magic wonders in them, too, cause it's in their breath a little bit.

Carrie: ok. now i want to know the truth behind college.

Ashley: well, college is like more of status symbol than anything. a college degree could get you most jobs, no matter what the degree is in. if you don't have a college degree, then you are shoved into the lower middle class status and pretty much will stay there unless you start your own business or sell drugs or whore yourself. now if you have a graduate degree then you have the world at your feet. even the bad spirits.

Carrie: oh ok. so college graduates even have the bad spirits making them eat fatty foods. i understand now! but what about George Michael?

Ashley: george michael is not a real person. he is a group of evil spirits embodying a "humanoid" body, or "glove" if you will. will you...? hahaha...seriously, though, this GM creature exists to show us what a mockery the human race can be. which isn't really true, but the evil spirits want us to think that, and have succeeded through the GM method.

Carrie: ok. thats kinda what i already knew and thought. but what really concerns me, is Richard Simmons. Is the help he's given people real? or is it bad spirit influenced?

Ashley: well, you have to look at both sides of the coin. so on the one side, he's basically said, "i used to be overweight, but now i'm skinny and GAY!" on the other side, he's said, "i am a wounded soul and skinnyness and gayity won't heal these deep wounds." so it's a lose-lose situation. both sides of the coin bring us back to food and the bad spirits' magical wonders: eat lots of food and gain weight or do other guys in the bum...as it were.

Carrie: wow, you are so knowledge-able and wise-worthy. I must know about Oprah. tell me now! is she the next president? or is she really the Saviour?

Ashley: you know how the book of mormon talks about columbus, that he was directed by God, even though he wasn't part of the church/gospel/nephites/whatever...? okay, well, oprah is like that. God is directing her to teach the sheep of the fold. Jesus was a carpenter : Oprah is a black woman.

Carrie: Of course!! Black woman-Carpenter!! same thing!! gosh this makes so much sense! I was just recently thinking about why some people hate Christmas. Does it stem from a hatred towards Baby Jesus? or just babies in general? or I thought maybe it could be that people really just hate other people. and the thought of spending money for gifts to give them makes them sick to their stomachs. was is it really?

Ashley: i've spent most of my travels and years of research on this very topic, so in order to not regurgitate all of it upon you, i'll give the reader's digest version of the reader's digest version of the reader's theatre version: when baby jesus was born the wise men or 3 kings or whatever, delivered gifts. my thoughts always go directly to "a newborn doesn't need gifts or is even aware that they exist"; thus began "needless-gift-giving" or NGG as i have coined it. NGG isn't our fault. you got it: the wise men started it, which makes their age-old moniker an oxymoron. we didn't start the fire! and, unfortunately, we're not even trying to fight it. people hate christmas not because of babies, but because of the three dumb men, the three ding-bats of orient are, or, you know, canada or somewhere.

What if you loved someone? What if that person knew about it and was ok with it? What if everyone found out because someone had to poke their nose where it didn't belong? What if it changed everything? Would it change your love for that person as well? After all, it is no longer private or precious. It is now common knowledge for everyone. And everyone looks at you different.

it's amazing how creative you can get when you are poor.

this isn't a "pity me and feed me, i'm poor" kind of thing. i just get so proud of myself when i create something out of nothing when i'm hungry.

my freezer is empty. i have a ton of condiments/sauces etc., and few little things here and there that don't really go together. So I said to myself...

"ok, garbanzo beans it is" So I opened the can and started eating.
Then I thought "how can I spice this up a little?"
my garbanzo concoction turned out to be....
garbanzo beans
chopped up bell peppers
chopped up fresh garlic
little salsa
little ranch
chili powder and lemon pepper

That will probably be the best thing I will eat all day.

these are a few of my favorite things....

1. chocolate
2. going to movies
3. watching movies at home
4. the office, ER, Lost, Heroes, SNL, Letterman, Conan
5. hanging out with friends, talking for hours
6. chai
7. fans/air conditioning
8. the blessed internet
9. LAUGHING!!!
10. water
11. water
12. water
13. my phone ringing
14. karaoke!!
15. crying ...is that weird?
16. flossing
17. giving massages....although it takes some motivation..i love it when i get going.
18. getting massages
19. autumn
20. watching my kids having a good ole time
21. hearing my kids laughing
22. eating
23. awesome hair care products
24. awesome skin care products
25. new nail polish
26. earrings (danglies only..not to short, not too long)
27. baking cookies, brownies, cakes and other goodies
28. a clean house
29. large gatherings
30. my husbands clean shaven face
31. my husbands clean shaven head
32. trying new restaurants
33. finding a new cd that totally rocks
34. going to a concert after weeks of anticipation
35. walks
36. naps
37. colon cleanses ..ya thats right. i'm just gonna put it out there.
38. my hair.....i've grown to love it.
39. going places
40. having money to spend!!
41. The Oscars
42. The Golden Globes (even though i hate what they stand for)
43. kissing
44. when the book i'm reading starts getting good and i don't ever want to put it down
45. when the book is down to the last 10 pages and i don't want it to end....(thats a love/hate thing)
46. vacations
47. coming home from vacations
48. ghost stories - good and bad
49. ufo stories - good and bad
50. my car
51. my laptop
52. my big tv
53. my tempur pedic bed
54. waking up and going out for breakfast, then shopping, then a movie, lunch, then more shopping, then another movie, then dinner. Ya, that happens like once a year. But it's awesome.
55. mountain dew
56. my homemade pizza
57. my homemade quesadillas
58. my homemade ice cream
59. paying bills online
60. myspace

This is a something I wrote several weeks ago. I'm actually very proud of it. It's an instant favorite when it just pours out of me and I don't even have to think about it.


Beaches

standing on the shore. the tide washes over my feet. cleansing the granules of sand off my toes. stepping further into the water coldness chills my legs. the sandy floor scrubs the skin off the bottom of my feet. the sun is almost done for the day. it lights up the water's surface with illuminating oranges and yellows as a final gift to the ocean and all it's contents. the water may look warm but do not be deceived. it is cold and uncomforting. and i am still sinking into the sand. the sun seems so promising. i stare at the disappearing sun as if it whispers "follow me". the further i walk towards the sun, the closer i am to drowning. but still, it seems so promising. the chill of the water jolts me, telling me to turn back.

i want your warmth. but all i feel is ice. your promising illusion never delivers.

and yet i will still come back tomorrow.... to do it all over again.

because i love you.

(sept. 12th)
I went roller skating last night for the first time in like 17 yrs or something. I'm in pain all over my body. I TOTALLY forgot how to roller skate and I quickly realized "oh crap, i have no muscle for this" I wiped out about 3 times.....hard...and all 3 times I fell I was already stopped. I also didn't think that standing on skates trying to move around would make me sweat so much.

I didn't feel too embarrased because people were falling all over the place. The only way i could stop myself was by slamming into the wall. I couldn't turn, I couldn't use my stopper thing on my skates. It was nothing short of hilarious and pathetic.

I'm totally going back!!

surrounded by reflections of how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us

it's never the same.

"then who am I really?"

we may never know.

(from July 7th, 2006)

I have finally figured this out. I just learned this from experience and I will never forget it.

TIME - is, was, and will always be more important than money.

I am literally paying someone a large chunk of change for the sole purpose of things happening in a timely fashion according to MY schedule.

10 years ago today....

1) How old were you?
THEN: 18
NOW: 28

2) Where did you work?
THEN: Movies 8 on 71st & Memorial
NOW: I work INSIDE the home

3) Where did you live?
THEN: Tulsa, Oklahoma
NOW: Tulsa ( i was gone on a 8 yr hiatus though)

4) How was your hair style?
THEN: Long
NOW: long but not as long as before

5)Did you wear contacts?
THEN: no
NOW: no

6) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: no
NOW: yes, only for night driving and movies

7) Who was your best friend?
THEN: Gary Waldrop
NOW: Rachel Shadday

8) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: The family gerbils - Rascal and Wheeler
NOW: no pets and very happy about it

9) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: ha! ya right - no one
NOW: I guess my husband counts as my boyfriend

11) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails
NOW: scottish/british actor Hans Matheson

12) Who was your regular-person crush?
THEN: my gay friend Micheal
NOW: my best friend Rachel, she's just awesome

13) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: 6
NOW: still 6 but i havent checked to see if they've closed up or not

14) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: 0
NOW: 0 with no plans to ever get one

15) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: Depeche Mode
NOW: Depeche Mode... I am a loyal fan.

16) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: yep
NOW: yep

17) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: maybe 3 times
NOW: a lot since then

18) What kind of Car did you drive?
THEN: White Mercury Zephyr with a red top
NOW: Orange Honda Element

19) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?: I never guessed or hoped I'd be anywhere or doing anything. I've always been a day to day person. But yes, I knew I would be married with kids in house somewhere about now.

20.) What is ONE thing you can say you've learned in the past 10 yrs? That people are important and I need to not judge them until I know them better. Hold on to your friends!

Desert

no water

no cleansing

dry

harsh

cracking

dead

no life

then the rain

the moisture

the drink

soaked through

then out comes the sun

New Album in June

thinking of something that reminded me of you, that I hadn't thought about in months, came to me again today and surprisingly it became real. reminding me not only of you, but that it really wasn't a surprise at all.

Some people are destined to enter our lives, only to leave it.

little places

little trinkets sit inside little places

of the heart

of the mind

it's always the ones we don't have

that we treasure most

little places hold tiny little treasures

memories

fantasies

some mean nothing

some mean everything

so often we make little of others

only to ignore how big they truly are

to deny the impact they've had on us is anything but little

but we still hide them

in our little places

knowing that one day, they'll be there

waiting

just in case

fire and water

these disappointments are like the flames of a fire
a warmth i thrived on for so long has drowned out from an unknown water source
only to discover that the flames were just an illusion

the absence of the flames is not what hurts
only the denial that they ever existed

Some of the most contemplative moments I have is when I'm driving in my car. But since I am driving, I can't exactly write them down. Certain words I hear in a song really catch my attention and I wish I could write those down as well. Stopping the car time and time again would be too easy and too much of a hassle.

What I need is one of those hand held voice recorders, ya know, with the little tapes. What would I do with all these words, you may be asking yourself. Uhhh I dunno, maybe make a book of favorite quotes or sudden epiphanies. Did I spell that right? Maybe it has something to do with being in transit? Moving fast through the world and through all the energies, or having so many other people flying past you. Do you think we can pick up other peoples stuff that way?

hhummmmm.......

the red petals

still on my mind

they may not need me

but i need them

how so childish i feel

when i can't touch or see them

the red, the red, the red

the redness of their essense

my heart drips red

only darkening their color

if only these red petals needed me

i could bloom...with her help

Flaming June

hot metals and red petals

seeping through oxygenated blues

the boy is your muse

and I am your fuse

which ones are we allowed to dream of-our suns or our moons?

How did we become so barred from our truths?

hot red sun

cold blue moon

I will be your Flaming June

diamond chimneys and coffee

sitting and spitting

feuling the fire

building the future

even after we tire

killing issues with truth

sometimes demanding

not always understanding

but with every smoke filled lung

we listen without landing

for rachel, shayna and shelley

TUNNELS

my body

my heart

my mind

my soul

what is in them?

so many things want to come out.

i've carried these chains since BIRTH

a barrier of protection

from myself

from me hurting others

Is this just who I am?

or is it just the same challenges i've become so familiar with?

she affects me

he affects me

it affects me

they affect me

I affect me

thoughts, oh these thoughts.

these fantasies.

i don't need an escape or a bandaid.

I need a way through.

a tunnel

a tunnel through the grim, bile and muck.

through the gold, glitter and shimmer.

a tunnel through what I desire, fear, hate, crave, love, have and don't have.

No, not a way out.

A way across.

The experience is not to be avoided.

It is my path of knowledge and wisdom...

but not without the pain or regret.

If only the people I fear could accept and understand me..

and let me go

Life is what happens, while making other plans.

-John Lennon

Ladies in Waiting

I purged my soul for you

For reasons unknown

I purged my soul for you

but I still feel alone

What was the point?

What purpose did it serve?

To tell you everything

wondering how I got the nerve

You own a piece of me

a piece you claimed years ago

I never got it back

You failed to let me know

All I want is freedom

Freedom to feel this way

To not feel lonely

while I wait for you to say

....anything

My Chemical Romance.

I have found a new band to obsess over.

Don't get me wrong, I've always been a big Nine Inch Nails fan. I had about 50 pictures of Trent Reznor up on my wall when I was an agnstfull teen, i've seen him twice in concert and they even used to call me "Carrie Reznor" at school. I got a log of laughs when I told people I was marrying a guy named "Trent".

So his new album "with teeth". Sounds good. He's a great musician. But it sounds like he used all the same lyrics and verbage he's always used and just moved them around. Some of the sounds in each song sound like other songs. There just wasn't a song on the album that felt like a hit. It was still all "poor me, i'm so depressed, the world sucks". Is he running out of ideas?

Ok so after all these years and after a week of KNOWING what he was up to but NOT KNOWING how to get ahold of him..I finally did. It sure did take for-freaking-ever. I was IMing a friend from myspace (who lives in Tulsa) and I asked him if he knew Gary or the guys from Creature of Unusual Size. He says "ya i just talked to one of them not to long ago". So I say "OH MY GOSH CAN I HAVE THE NUMBER!" I had to use caps of course to seem like I was yelling. Cuz no one can hear you on an IM. (just in case you didn't know that). So I call the number. Voicemail. I get a call back and few minutes later. Some girls says she's returning a call from this number.
"oh ya, I was looking for Gary actually"
"Oh ok, he's not with us right now but I'll give you the number to where he's at"
"oh my gosh thank you so much"

So I call the number. This is the number to Gary's stepdad's produce farm.
"Conrad Farms, may I help you" (a woman)
"Yes I'm looking for Gary"
"oh honey Gary is looking for himself...here he is hang on"

So he answers the phone and we both freak out and talk for about 2 hours. And of course we're laughing our asses off the whole time reminising about everything. I know this won't turn into something shitty and meaningless like with Michael. I'm happy now.

A lot of people's lives seem to be changing. Maybe it's a new year thing or a spring thing.

Michael actually called me back. I was definatly suprised. At first I just asked if he still lived at the same place so I could just write him because I didn't think I could talk to him over the phone. I pretty much knew that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye, and neither did he. So we ended up talking for 4 hours. Heart rate and perspiration were excellerated, as he has always had that effect on me. (I craved a cigarette so f-ing bad)
Although I did get many answers to my questions. I never really got the answers I wanted. But I know he did his best to dig deep and give me the truth. All I really wanted was an apology. I believe that if you wrong someone or hurt their feelings, the first thing you do is apologize WHETHER OR NOT you think it was intentional. and THEN, you explain yourself. It seems I got a lot of "i'm defending my actions because I don't want to apologize" I dunno, maybe that wasn't the case in his eyes.
For years I've tried to decide why I have these feelings for him. I love him, hate him, miss him, think he's stupid think he's a genius, want to be around him, want lots of distance from him. In the past I did want to be sexual with him. Those feelings eventually went away in time. I finally accepted that he really WAS gay. Although he and I have had a very intimate relationship as far as sleeping in the same bed, undressing in front of each other, kissing on the lips, being very affectionate, crying on each others shoulders, going through hell and back, we do seem to have a very romantic relationship - just without the sex. I am in love with him. In the most unconventional untraditional way.
I did hear many things I wanted to hear while on the phone with him. He wrote me many letters, but never finished them or mailed them. He separated all my photos from the others because it was too painful for him to have to explain to people who I was. He lit a candle for me on my birthday. After hearing all these things througout the hours of talking, I asked him over and over the question I've needed an answer to for a year and half...."Why haven't you called me, why didn't you mail the letters?" And again all I got was "I thought you washed your hands clean of me....I didn't want to feel like I was begging....I figured you'd get ahold of me when you were ready or when you needed me." Of course I had lots of fun arguing this with him. I made sure I let him know how selfish those answers were. Friendship is a give and take 50/50 kind of thing. I had no more to give, because I got nothing back. A relationship cannot exist without communication. And I never felt an effort from him. So ya I did wash my hands clean. His former drug use was a big part of that also, which he says is not a problem anymore.
I just hope after explaining myself and my needs and my desires of him that he will follow through. I will not call him. I will not write to him. I will have to treat this like a reward type situation. He calls me, I call him or I send him pictures. If I feel the effort I will give it in return. I can't do all the work. Comparing it to a marriage is a perfect example. It's the same thing. I know I could never ask for a "normal" friendship, just not a painful one.

The Silent Treatment

for michael

after one year and a half

i had a moment of weakness

there should be a new word for 'weakness'

sadness, neglect, and anger overwhelmes me

"if there's a shadow of a doubt, don't do it

the slightest stupor of thought...don't do it"

a voice tells me

i don't listen

i open the book

turn to the P's

my nerves begin to tug

i reach for the phone

look at the numbers

my hands shake

put it down

try to think clearly

can't...not a chance

cry instead

only 11 numbers to dial

only 11 buttons to push

one and a half years

might as well be one and a half days

so many things to say

although silence is golden

but gold can turn if neglected

if left outside to the elements

the silent treatment

like ice

will it break?

will it melt?

crying, shaking

it rings, the phone is fucking ringing

i've lost all control

my knees are giving way

my whole body shaking, trembling

nausea

heartbreak

adrenaline

voicemail

small miracles

..and more silence

The House of the Spirits

I saw the description of this movie on Showtime and decided I'd DVR it (record) and watch it later. My reasoning for this was merely because of the cast list:

Meryl Streep

Glenn Close

Jeremy Irons

Winona Ryder

Antonio Banderas

Vanessa Redgrave

I figured "Hey, this looks like a good movie, but I wonder why I've never even heard of it". So I looked it up on imdb.com and learned that it came out in 1993. In '93 I was 13 yrs old and in the 8th grade. I was too busy thinking about boys, sleepovers with friends and was far from being interested in time period movies. Plus, it's rated R and my mom never wouldv'e let me see it.

I thourougly enjoyed this movie. All 2 1/2 hrs of it. Meryl Streep never ceases to amaze. She doesn't just play a character, she becomes them..almost to a spooky level. She literally turns on the tears like a switch. Jeremy is always the best at playing the villian. Glenn has a such a strong power about her. I loved the relationship between Meryl's and Glenn's characters. Truly sweet and heartbreaking.

The film is actually more centered around the bad things Jeremy's character does and how it affects everyone. Then towards the end he realizes he must rectify what he's done in order be at peace with himself. Like I always say "Abusive men grow soft in their old age." The termoil that everyone experiences in this movie makes me appreciate the luxury of my life, but then again, I'm jealous. This is a must see.

...and now for my book review...

The Lovely Bones

This book was suggested to me by my friend Rachel. I was telling her how the books I've been reading haven't been making me think or feel anything like I'd want a book to do. So she told me to read this one.

The story is about a 14 yr old girl who is raped and murdered by a neighbor. It is told from her perspective as she sits in her heaven and watches her family and friends deal with her death. After her death, she was granted the opportunity to experience some things she never got to on Earth. I found a similar element in this book as I found in watching the movie "What Dreams May Come". That is...the living cannot move on until the dead has let them go. and vice versa.

Well, I must thank Rachel in this because so far in my book reading (and i havent read many), I read this one the fastest. I just had to find out what was on the next page until I was done. The author, Alice Sebold, is definitely fearless in her storytelling. She kept on delivering all these series of events and thoughts of the characters that kept me wanting more. I find that books written by women tend to capture the beauty in things much more accurately. Or maybe I just relate to their description of it more easily...for obvious reasons.