These are a series of emails between me and my sister all within about 20 mins.
I don't know how she comes up with this stuff.

(note: there's like "mormon speak" in here. you may not get parts of it)

Ashley sent me some pictures that you'd get after you get off the roller coaster. Ya know, the ones that show you screaming with your face blown back?
I laughed and then replied back saying loud and laughingly "LOL, wow you guys are really stupid!!"

Ashley wrote back saying: that's what disney AND family is all about. if there's anything else you'd like me to teach you, just let me know...


(so i figured i'd play along)


Carrie: I wanna know about fatty foods and the truth behind them.

Ashley: well, there are these spirits that follow us around (you know, part of the 1/3 of hosts of heaven that went with lucifer). they go around and breath evil magical wonders onto foods and whisper in our ears that they will make us happy. their whisperings have that black magic wonders in them, too, cause it's in their breath a little bit.

Carrie: ok. now i want to know the truth behind college.

Ashley: well, college is like more of status symbol than anything. a college degree could get you most jobs, no matter what the degree is in. if you don't have a college degree, then you are shoved into the lower middle class status and pretty much will stay there unless you start your own business or sell drugs or whore yourself. now if you have a graduate degree then you have the world at your feet. even the bad spirits.

Carrie: oh ok. so college graduates even have the bad spirits making them eat fatty foods. i understand now! but what about George Michael?

Ashley: george michael is not a real person. he is a group of evil spirits embodying a "humanoid" body, or "glove" if you will. will you...? hahaha...seriously, though, this GM creature exists to show us what a mockery the human race can be. which isn't really true, but the evil spirits want us to think that, and have succeeded through the GM method.

Carrie: ok. thats kinda what i already knew and thought. but what really concerns me, is Richard Simmons. Is the help he's given people real? or is it bad spirit influenced?

Ashley: well, you have to look at both sides of the coin. so on the one side, he's basically said, "i used to be overweight, but now i'm skinny and GAY!" on the other side, he's said, "i am a wounded soul and skinnyness and gayity won't heal these deep wounds." so it's a lose-lose situation. both sides of the coin bring us back to food and the bad spirits' magical wonders: eat lots of food and gain weight or do other guys in the bum...as it were.

Carrie: wow, you are so knowledge-able and wise-worthy. I must know about Oprah. tell me now! is she the next president? or is she really the Saviour?

Ashley: you know how the book of mormon talks about columbus, that he was directed by God, even though he wasn't part of the church/gospel/nephites/whatever...? okay, well, oprah is like that. God is directing her to teach the sheep of the fold. Jesus was a carpenter : Oprah is a black woman.

Carrie: Of course!! Black woman-Carpenter!! same thing!! gosh this makes so much sense! I was just recently thinking about why some people hate Christmas. Does it stem from a hatred towards Baby Jesus? or just babies in general? or I thought maybe it could be that people really just hate other people. and the thought of spending money for gifts to give them makes them sick to their stomachs. was is it really?

Ashley: i've spent most of my travels and years of research on this very topic, so in order to not regurgitate all of it upon you, i'll give the reader's digest version of the reader's digest version of the reader's theatre version: when baby jesus was born the wise men or 3 kings or whatever, delivered gifts. my thoughts always go directly to "a newborn doesn't need gifts or is even aware that they exist"; thus began "needless-gift-giving" or NGG as i have coined it. NGG isn't our fault. you got it: the wise men started it, which makes their age-old moniker an oxymoron. we didn't start the fire! and, unfortunately, we're not even trying to fight it. people hate christmas not because of babies, but because of the three dumb men, the three ding-bats of orient are, or, you know, canada or somewhere.